If i may ask

[~*The Pride of Ireland*~]

i would like if someone could give me feedback on my basically debut roleplay. I have done this style before, but i just wanted to know what other people thought of it

[MorningStar]

To be honest, I read the first line... and cringed. "The scene opens" makes me sigh and rolls my eyes.

However, once my initial judders had passed, I found it a really enjoyable read. I loved the use of the shotgun, the speech patterns were perfect drill sarge... and I have to admit I giggled at "DISMISSED!"

Few typos, but aside from that mate, really enjoyable read

[~*The Pride of Ireland*~]

i totally understand about the scene opens stuff. It happens all too often, and i will try to find an alternate way to open my roleplays

[MorningStar]

Try just launching straight into the description, it usually works for me Few examples I've picked up;

Place Setting
Standing grim before the huddled ranks, Corporal Punishment surveys his troops with a critical eye.

With A Bang
"STAND TO ATTENTION YOU 'ORRIBLE LOT!"

stood in the traing yard of Sandsworth academy, the raw recruits snap to prim and proper attention, eyes forward and back straight as the commanding tones of Corporal Punishment ring throughout the yard

Social Commentary
Some people doubt the reason for a standing army. Surely, they say, without armies there are no wars? These people have no place on a planet inhabited by hunters and predators. These people fail to understand a show of strength when it's needed. And sweet christ, these people had better not say that to Corporal Punishment...

Just experiment dude, if you try you can pull anything off

And just to re-iterate; I love the gimmick

[~*The Pride of Ireland*~]

hehe, thanks! i look forward to posting here.

[jake]

perfect feedback Johnny, I couldn't have picked it any better myself.

It was a very enjoyable read, everything seemed to gel together very well. As Johnny said the opener is important, you've got to grab your readers attention immediately then carry them through an experience with the rest of your writing.

People don't understand how important this factor is, the opener and the continuation. I felt there was no real issue with your continuation and flow, it kept me attached to the read, but the opener certainly lacked.

Johnny's given you first class feedback Corporal!