"The New Era Icon"

["The New Era Icon" David Calaz]

is posted have a look tell me what you think, personally i think its shit, but still go ahead and make your own opinions

[jake]

A nice and tidy in ring promotion, some of your actions need to be a little more on the money as far as emotional pull is concerned to get your audience keyed in.

doing the:

" He turns violent and stands up " doesn't necessarily cut the mustard as far as creating the mood and the moment, instead of working with the brush over, try and get into the moment by creating the moment a little more E.G

" Damien clenches his fists and bites down on his lip at the thought of his own words, snapping as though if he's realized his circumstance he comes to his feet and pulls up a steel chair hurling it across the room, his head swiveling in directions looking for something to grasp and destroy he reaches for the curtains which cover the windows pulling them down exposing the obscured views as the curtains fall to a heap on the floor, he clutches at the walls ripping down promotional pictures, ornaments and shelves, anything he can get his hands on before slowly falling gracefully to the floor himself, his hands meeting his head to rest as the tone of his voice lowers slightly after a relieving sigh "

This is a basic descriptive situation of building the intensity of a situation allowing your audience to feel the emotional tension and turmoil of his frustration and situation. You grasp it well in some places and yet miss it in others, try to keep the action consistent to a real life situation rather than brushing over it by generalizing. These are the moments that we the audience get right into the head of your character, so they are special moments that need their time.

ALSO:

If you're building a particular scene it needs to build slowly before climaxing and then concluding.

I hope this helps

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["The New Era Icon" David Calaz]

See people THAT is what i call feedback, thanks alot Jake ill definatly be working on that in my next RP